Thursday, February 19, 2009

Nom nom nom....

Read More HERE.

THE FACTS: This photograph was taken of a Worcester's buttonquail (a bird thought to be extinct) in the Philippines last month. The picture was taken just before the bird was sold to a local resident... and eaten.

JUDGMENT: I wonder what kind of a price is tacked onto the last bird of a species? This is how I picture this scenario going down in my head.

Waiter: "What can I get for you today, sir?"
Diner: "I'll just have a hamburger, well-done. Hold the ketchup, mustard, pickles, onions, lettuce, cheese, tomatoe."
Waiter: "Oh you didn't let me tell you today's special."
Diner: "Oh what's that?"
Waiter: "Well we are offering a one time special. It's the last known-to-man Worcester's buttonquail served with rice pilaf and a roasted red potatoes."
Diner: "Ummmm, sure I'll take that."
Waiter: "Well, sir, how was the quail?"
Diner: "Tasted like chicken."

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Thunderheist "Jerk It"

THE FACTS: Thunderheist is a popular new musical duo on the internets. They issued and challenge to their fans to make a music video for their song "Jerk It." This is the winner.

JUDGMENT: I can't stop listening to this song. I'm even thinking about buying a chicken so I can have a dancing buddy. As far as the video goes, it could have done without the close-ups of that girl's face and.....I WANT MORE CHICKEN!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

And the Winner Is...

THE FACTS: A 10 year old sussex spaniel named Stump won Best in Show at the 2009 Westminster Dog Show. Stump has a lazy eye

JUDGMENT: This dog looks like Paris Hilton. How in the hell did this decrepid dog win the most reknowned title in the dogging world? LOOK AT HIS EYE, it is sooo droopy. I would have thrown him out instantly (unless he was wearing an eye patch.)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Stamp Prices to Increase by Two Cents

Read the article HERE.

THE FACTS: Starting in May, the price of a stamp will increase to 44 cents. Starting when we graduate, the number of jobs will increase to 0.

JUDGMENT: What's a stamp?

For All We Call, Mizzou.

THE FACTS: This morning on the fifth flight of stairs in the Hitt Street Parking garage I stumbled upon a dead pigeon. The pigeon was decapitated. The head...missing.

JUDGMENT: I was unaware that Ozzy was coming to campus. I almost threw up as I was coming down the stairs this morning and stumbled upon my new friend. I bet it was some twisted sorority prank gone awry (Those Phi Moos will eat anything.) Who does one contact to remove the massive carcass of a headless pigeon?!?!?

Monday, February 9, 2009

Solving the Economic Crisis

THE FACTS: Our nation is in a recession. I'm not.

JUDGMENT: Jim should have stuck with Karen. She was WAY hotter. Obama should have ended his press conference like Natalie and Rashida. PUPPIES!!!!!

Finger-Painting with Robyn

Check out the video below:

Robyn "Cobrastyle"

THE FACTS: Cobrastyle was #61 on Billboard's Top 100 Songs of 2008. Finger-paints, while non-toxic, should not be consumed.

JUDGMENT: Has she lost all of her baby teeth yet? Even though she looks like a 12 year old punk Mormon, Robyn makes me jealous that I wasn't able to take part in this music video shoot. I've listened to this song on repeat for a 6 hr consecutive loop...sadly, I'm not exaggerating.

Mary Jane's a Bitch

Read the article HERE.

THE FACTS: According to a Seattle based study released on Monday, men who smoke marijuana regularly could be 70% more likely to develop testicular cancer. Testicular Cancer can be prevented with copious amounts of masturbation.

JUDGMENT: *wheez*cough* AH SHIT!!! *cough*cough*

Long Anticipated Westminster Dog Show Coverage

THE FACTS: This year's competition started today with 2486 dogs from 170 different breeds. Westminster is a two day competition for socially retarded dog owners.

JUDGMENT: I'll admit that I watch portions of the Westminster Dog Show every year. While it's not the most riveting television on the air, it does beat fast forwarding your tivo through The Biggest Loser until you get to the weigh-ins. I cross my fingers every year hoping that it will end up like Best In Show. PS-When is there gonna be a Comedy Central Presents Stand Up Special with Lolcats?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

New Flo Rida

THE FACTS: Flo Rida is from Florida.This isn't a real music video, sorry. I heard this song at a stop light; I liked it so I turned it up really loud. A suburban woman driving a Suburban next to me stared with disdain.

JUDGMENT: It's better than the 1984 Dead or Alive "You Spin Me Round" cuz it's dirty.

Well I Climbed Out From Underneath that Rock....

THE FACTS: Slumdog has been nominated for 10 Oscars. I have been a "phone a friend." (I got my question correct.)

JUDGMENT: I know. I know. I know. I just saw it tonight, and I'm lam(p)e. Well........I LOVED THE BOLLYWOOD CREDITS....and the rest of it too. Aside from Prem Kumar's pronunciation of "millionaire" and "rupEES" it was pretty much flawless and I hope it wins all of it's nominations. Plus MIA's "Paper Planes" is ingeniously incorporated. What's not to love?

Bacon Mac 'N Cheese Pizza Hut Pasta

THE FACTS: Hey guys the pastas from Pizza Hut!!!!

JUDGMENT: Ewwwwww.

ADHD (The Popular Man's Disease)

THE FACTS: Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder is a disease characterized by short attention span and excessive energy. A popular man is a person liked by all. I have ADHD; I'm popular.

JUDGMENT: If you have ADHD you will be the popular kid in school. Everyone loves people with ADHD they are freaking awesome (unless you live with one.)

30 Rockefeller Plaza

Watch the Best 2 minutes of TV from last year.

Believe in the Stars

THE FACTS: 30 Rock has won five Golden Globes. Tina Fey has a bad-ass face scar like mine.

JUDGMENT: I am obsessed with this show. Tracy Jordan, Jenna Maroney, Jack Donaghy, and Kenneth Parcell each represent a corner of the comedy quadrilateral: Eccentricity, Unfamiliarity, Money, and Ignorance respectively. Liz Lemmon is Lam(p)e. Tina Fey on the other hand is a flippin' genius. WHY ARE YOU WEARING A MONSTER CLAW? PRICELESS.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Santogold, She's so hot right now, Santogold.

THE FACTS: Santogold has chameleon lips.

JUDGMENT: This video has inspired me to do my best to match my wardrobe to the wallpaper of any room that I am going to be in. I lust for Santogold.

Why you should thaw out your crime tools.

Read the article below


THE FACTS: Man steals frozen chicken. Man uses chicken to try and break into cafe. Man cuts himself with chicken. Man calls ambulance. Man is arrested.

JUDGMENT: SRSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!? Re-Re.

Jessica Simpson: It's NOT a fat suit.

THE FACTS: It's not a fat suit. She NEEDS two belts.

JUDGMENT: All I've been hearing about Jessica Simpson's pregnancy is: "Who cares" "Why make a big deal about it" "She's empowered" ...I applaud the media for pointing out the flaws of others. How else would they know what to fix?


Check out the Video

THE FACTS: Beyonce makes a self-proclamation of divadom. Then she proclaims it again, and again, and again...

JUDGMENT: Well I guess she is right; only a diva would have an army of C-3po's. Sadly, the song is catchy. The video is entertaining(I'm hosting my next party in a warehouse with swinging lights.) The glasses are killer (I've already ordered my pair.) The car explosion at the end is cliche...

Milk with Ice

THE FACTS: Milk is a breakfast beverage from a cow. Ice is frozen water.

JUDGMENT: Me? I'm a 2%, with ice, served in a glass made out of glass kind of guy. Sure there are those of you that will tell me that my milk is watered down, but it's 2% for Christ's sake. It's practically like drinking cream.